A Poem | Miles Millikan

i can see a clearing from my bedroom window

I can see a clearing from my bedroom window.

From the 2nd story of my small white house

When the sun is expelling her last few yellow breaths into the sky,

And if there are just a few straggling whispy clouds floating in blue

And the ocean waters down below the cliff have all gone completely still

So that not even silence will shuffle his feet

There,

Down passed the crumbling cliffs,

And racing out over the reflective desert of ocean

Right at the horizon, where the sunset pink kisses expansive blue

Between their contact, like a thin keyhole

If I squink

I can see through

And I see a clearing

There,

There’s a pond in the middle of a forest

With pink waters that drip upward and spread onto shore

And little green cattails that open and close for breath

Frogs that exist in mid-hop forever

And dragonflies that are always waiting to flap their wings for the first time

Fish who swim to stay in the water

And owls whose feathers rustle like leaves

The songs of birds sway like rubber bands

And echo like ripples of water

I feel desire on my tongue

And embarrassment above my knee

I feel like a visitor here, this is not my world

I feel uneasy, I have not known this place

I would not be here unless I was wanted, but I do not know how I fit

So my eyes drink the clearing in through a straw while my skin pores pucker and close

I’m

.....

afraid….

There is a deep and violet midnight hue that blankets over everything

It is chilled

It is slow

It has a rich thickness

And to be honest, it mumbles a little

But ribbons of noon light cut through its soft skin

Here, daylight swims like eels in water

It moves

And it moves with alive intention

It is quiet and quick and mischievous

It is flexible and limber and wags as it wishes

And although it is insatiably curious

It is not intrusive, it does not demand entrance into your eyes

It approaches with caution and care

And delivers an offering of its heat to show peace

With a bow of my head I grant it entrance

And with excited respect it swims into my eyes

Like a beam of sun ripping into a dark cave

The inside of my skull is breathed with orange

It is massaged into the backs of my eyes

My jaw is infused with a melting

So that the corners of my teeth are pricked with embers

The cobwebs of my mind are turned to strawberry juice

And my head receives air

And as this light,

like a car following little yellow lines in the night,

slides down the skin of my spine

I am touched from the inside

I heat throughout

My skin expands like the metal of a furnace

And my feet are pushed away by a kiss from the grass beneath me

The light swims through my heart

And it is delivered some great heat

And on its next beat

It beats warm.

My skin grabs at itself

It loved from inside itself, it is loved by itself

And pumps that honey through my blood

I have never known warmth like this

It is a moment like --

When I was so sure I’d been warm before, but when

I touched you for the first time I realized how much of

life I had lived in chill

I lose track of where you are in my body

Because I notice my feet are no longer on the ground….

I am leaning a bit backwards, as if I was lying in a lounge chair on the beach with my knees up

And I’m slowly turning further backwards

I see the trees behind me

And then I watch as they turn upside down

And my head is now pointing towards the floor

Looking at the grass from above,

It looks a lot like a ceiling

And from this angle

It does look like the grass is being pulled down towards me

Being pulled up?

I’m not sure

I reach out my hand to touch it

It quivers, like its smelling me

Testing me

It rustles itself around me

And begins to climb up my fingers

But its hesitation leaves our interaction

As I’m still turning and my hand is pulled away from it

It reaches after me, hopelessly

Almost

And now I’m flat

A few inches above the ground looking down

Floating parallel to the Earth

Parallel….

I had a teacher in 4th grade who taught us about parallel lines as

lines that would never touch even if they went on for and infinite amount of time

that if they were even a millimeter in a different angle, the two lines would touch eventually

But if they’re perfectly in tune,

If they’re perfectly harmonious

Never in all of infinity would they ever get to touch each other

So in that moment of parallel

I felt myself

Looking right into the face of Earth,

Right into her pores

And her into mine

And I felt that I would never be able to touch her

For all of infinity.

My heart beat crushed ice

My body began to crack

Like a vase decaying in blood

My skin split and my bones slid apart

My body drifted away from itself and my insides of light and ice spilled in every direction like little marbles

My eyes each split in two

Which doubled my vision

My ears drifted away from each other

So I could hear wider

My skin covered more territory than before

And my nerves began to taste exoctic distances

Suddenly, I noticed my right finger was 20 miles away from my left kneecap

Which was shocking.

And then when I tried to locate my eyelashes I found they were each lightyears apart

Which was….

….a lot

I just had never experienced this many things before!

I didn’t know how to!

My toenails were in lava

My head hairs were in empty space

My bull vertebrae was drifting through William H. Macy’s kitchen

My first kiss was approaching a black hole

My name was circling an asteroid

And my heart was beating across the whole Milky Way

Vibrating every atom and star

Needless to say, there was a lot to focus on

And switching where I was paying attention to meant traversing the fabric of the universe

I got nervous

I got afraid

I couldn’t recall what it felt like to be one thing

Though I swear at one point I felt like it

But,

Ugh, I’m getting frustrated, I can’t think s t raight

So I’ll try focusing on just one point and stick there

One….

Point….

No….

Not there….

Not quite….

But….

oh!

something like..

.. .. .

. .

-- maybe there? ---

no no that’s t oo

far

__--..

how ab

,, ut

,,,,

. . .

/ / …./

breathing

yeah

breathing

and i’ll just

think of….. …. . … ……… . . …… …… … … .

you……… ………………………… …………… . …………….. …… …………….. ... …………… ……… …………… ......... … ....... ……… ……… …………… .............………….... ……………………….andme……………………………………………………......................…………..together.......................…………............................................……..holdingeachother………………….........................………………………............………………….....................inyour………………………………………………………………..bed……………………………………………………… .................................... ........................ ................................................................................

.......................................................................................................oh………..wow……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….likethat…………………………………………….itfeelslikethat………………………………………ok………………………............................…….......................................................…okay…………………………… ……….. …. .. … ……… …. .. . …. … . . . .. . .......................... ..... . ...... .......... ... ... .... .. . . .. . . .... . . ... . . ... .... . .. . . .

… .

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